coping with the emotions of infertility

Dear Pregnant Friend:

I know my response to your pregnancy announcement wasn’t exactly what you expected, so I want to try to explain. First, let me say here what I wasn’t able to say when you told me–I am happy for you, I truly am. I am happy that your dreams are coming true. You’ll be a great mom.

The difficulty for me, and the reason I responded as I did to your announcement, is that your pregnancy is yet another reminder that my body doesn’t work. Another reminder that my dream of being a mom is still a long way off, and I’m not even sure that it will ever come true.

The funny thing is that I am both excited for you and jealous of you at the same time. I think what I’m really jealous of is how easy it was for you to get pregnant. You don’t deserve my jealousy, but it is there regardless.

I know that it may feel like I’m being selfish. As hard as it is to admit, it’s true. Having a disease that makes impossible what I want most has made me self-focused.

I wish I knew another way to deal with my infertility, but right now fertility treatment and paying for treatment (it’s not covered by my health insurance) is all I think about. Feeling like a selfish b­_tch at times is one of the many things I hate about infertility.

I will try very hard to focus on my excitement and happiness for you rather than on my sadness for me. Please be patient with me, and please understand my need for self-protection. I may not be able to be as involved with your pregnancy as we both might want, but please know that I’m doing the best I can.


P.S. We’re starting a new Dear Friends & Family Series of blogs. Please send me ideas of things you would like to tell your friends, sisters, and cousins about infertility. Send to: dawn at

First published in 2015; Updated in 2017.