Last month, I was talking with a well-respected adoption professional about what we were advising people interested in adopting in this changing environment. I told her I really haven’t changed my counsel much. All in all, the options that are open to people remain the same: domestic public (foster care) adoption, domestic birth mother placement adoption, and international adoption (albeit with a changing array of country options). Depending on the couple or person, I also include using donated embryos as an option to consider. From her reaction, you would have thought I supported kicking puppies.
This woman is deeply committed to children, and I respect her work. She’s one that walks the talk. From her perspective, including embryo adoption as an option to consider was abandoning children that already exist in favor of creating new kids, kids unsullied by messy conceptions or early life experiences. I think she thought I was selling out. I don’t agree.
In fairness, this woman works primarily with people who have already decided on adoption, while I consult with those folks, as well as those in the midst of infertility treatment. I strongly believe I have an obligation to explore the full range of alternative family building options—the costs, the success rate, the waiting times, who should consider them, what the research shows, how kids and families do later in life, etc. People come to me to get an educated unbiased review of their options, not to tell them what to do, and using donated embryos is an option. It isn’t for everyone, but it may be the preferred option for a healthy woman whose top priority is the pregnancy and nursing experience, and who want to control the intrauterine environment as much as possible.
I was a little surprised by the vehemence of this woman’s reaction, and from some comments I received after the Jan. 28 Creating a Family show on embryo adoption, I realized she’s not alone. Using donor embryos to create a family is surprisingly controversial by some in both the adoption and infertility community. Unfortunately, this issue has become ensnared in the battle of the pros (life vs. choice), and the controversy has been fueled in part by the Bush administration giving out millions in federal grants to support embryo adoption. It is likely to become even more controversial now that the Octuplet Mom has said that she transferred six frozen embryos because 1) she didn’t know about the option of donating them to another couple, and 2) she was horrified that anyone could do that with “their children”. (Hint for Ms. Suleman, listen to the May 28, 2008 Creating a Family show where I interviewed professionals and parents who decided that this was indeed the best and most selfless option for their excess frozen embryos because they knew they could not adequately parent more children and didn’t want to dispose of them or donate them for research.)
For the record, I do worry about the children that already are born and need a family. My greatest desire is that each and every one of them finds a family. But the “one size fits all” model does not work for family building, and the Creating a Family radio show, website, and consulting practice are not intended to promote one type of family building to the exclusion of others. Some people don’t really want to parent a child not genetically related to them. These people need information and resources on the next steps in infertility treatment or on making peace with living child-free. Other people like the symmetry of a family that needs a child adopting a child that needs a family. Adoption is the perfect path for them, and they need information on which type of adoption is best for them and how to go about it. Still others can accept the lack of genetic connection, but desperately want the pregnancy experience or at least the control over this time in their child’s life. For them, using donor gametes (egg or sperm) or donor embryos is a good option. I am not only committed to finding a family for every child, but also to helping each family find their child.
I know I sound like a broken record, but no one path to creating a family is right for everyone. I even had someone email me that they were morally opposed to pregnancy?!? I assume she meant something along the lines that she was opposed to conceiving a child when there are children already in this world in need of parents, but it just goes to show you that there is no such thing as the perfect way to become a parent. So, for those folks who are disappointed in my choice of show topics or my inclusion of all alternative family building options on the CreatingaFamily site or in my consulting practice, I say “too bad”. Exploring and providing resources and education on all family building options is not selling out. Most of my audience and consulting clients are simply trying to find a way to do something that comes so easy to most people—they just want to become a parent. They need support and information, not judgment and disagreement.
P.S. It is surprisingly hard to find good unbiased resources on creating a family through donor embryos/embryo adoption. I have spent a lot of time researching this topic, and I truly think CreatingaFamily has the best collection of resources on this topic available anywhere. And I didn’t receive a penny of federal grant money to do it. (Dadgummit!!)
Image credit: Brian Smith
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t, I recommend that you look at the embryo donation/adotion page of this website. I list many resources as well as all the agencies that have an embryo donation/adoption program. Call them for information on approximate waiting times. Also I recommend that you listen to the Jan. 28, 2009 Creating a Family radio show on embryo adoption/donation. You can listen or download from the radio page of this website. Good luck.
A friend of mine adopted a child after many failed IVF cycles. She and her husband then tried IVF one last time using both donor sperm and donor eggs. They had triplets from that IVF cycle – their adopted child is only 9 months older than the triplets to it appears as if she has quads. Anyway, I recognize this is a controversial issue, but as you said there are many ways to build a family. Why shouldn’t embryo adoption be just as viable an alternative as other forms of adoption.
Thanks for your great resources and unbiased information.
I agree. Adopting kids already born is wonderful. My family was formed through adoption. But for some people, it either isn't an option, or they really need or want the pregnancy experience. There is room for all of us in the alternative way of creating a family world.
Hi, I don't really know you although we're facebook friends but I just wanted to say that I completely agree with you. I am unable to have a child in a normal manner because of PCOS and I would definitely adopt if I was eligible. But it is also a physical and natural need in me to have one of my own. I want to experience pregnancy and labor and delivery and all the things that come with that.Adoption isn't always available as an option. My husband was investigated when his daughter was 6 years old because of a false accusation of neglect. He was raising her on his own. No charges were ever made. They came to his house, looked around, interviewed a couple people and that was that. He never heard from them again. But when we tried to adopt a child through foster care last year we were told we were not eligible because of that accusation.. It made me so angry that a child out there was losing out on forever home because of a false accusation.
I have been considering embryo adoption and a website I found that helps match embryos with adoptors is http://www.embryosalive.com
We are very interested in embryo adoption, but have not found a way to locate embryos waiting to be adopted. Any ideas?
Thank you for keeping this discussion away from the ultra right wing religous. I don’t know whether you are doing it on purpose, but I appreciate it. I can tell from some of your blogs that you are a religous person but I like the fact that you don’t base this discussion on adopting embryos on that. Almost all the information, other than this site, talks about adopting embryos as in saving lives and I get uncomfortable with the ultra right right to life apporach. I have no idea if we will consider this option, but like to et real information,, not propaganda. Thank you for providing it.
Thank you. I agree and I’m glad you said it. I believe that your site is the best online source of information on infertility and adoption issues and Thank You for keeping it unbiased and non-judgemental!
Why would anyone think it is selling out. I don’t get it. It’s not something I’m considering, but why would I care if someone else thinks it’s best. I guess it is just another example of the post you did a long time ago on “Competition”. Why are we all so compeitive!!!!!
As a mother of a 3 and 1/2 year old daughter adopted from China who has severe early trauma issues, I wholeheartedly agree with you on this. I have always wanted to have more than one child. At the moment, my daughter’s special needs do not make that possible but hopefully in the future we will get to a point of regulation and be able to have more children. We’ve been down the infertility route, and arrived at adoption with her. I love her dearly and wouldn’t trade her for the world, but I am so hesitant to adopt again for fear of having another child with early trauma issues. It has been so difficult on our marriage and our family and on me, personally. Embryo adoption has seemed to be the BEST option for us if we choose to have more children.