Does Infertility Make you avoid the kids of your family and friends
Does infertility make you want to avoid the children of your family and friends?

I’ve been surprised by the diversity of opinions we’ve received on our ongoing Dear Fertile Friend Series (Dear Pregnant Friend: Why I Seem Like a Selfish B_tch, Dear Pregnant Friend—Why I Won’t be at Your Baby Shower).

I asked for suggestion of other letters you would want to write to your blessedly fertile friends and family. Jennifer and Liz represent two opposing views.


I would write a dear friend letter about why it’s so important that I get a chance to develop a relationship with your children. The opportunity to share my time, experiences and knowledge with children helps me build a legacy in a different way. It’s hard, but the opportunity to have a relationship with other people’s kids is beneficial to everyone. It’s the ‘takes a village’ approach. A village gives but also benefits with the investment in others. I am grateful for all the friends, nieces, nephews, and children that enter my life and I have the opportunity share with.


I suggest a letter explaining why I have to avoid being around your kids. I love my nieces, but being around them reminds me of what I’m missing out on. It literally breaks my heart. I’m almost glad that my friends have stopped inviting me to do things since they’ve all moved on to Mommy Land.

Involvement vs. Avoidance

So, I have a question for you: Do you want to be as involved as possible with the children of your friends and family or do you want to avoid them?

From what I hear, those that fall into the “want to be involved” camp somehow are able to compartmentalize their pain. They can enjoy the nurturing of other people’s kids while segregating the desire to have them on their own. They also may feel hopeful that in the future they will be able to be a parent.

For those that fall into the “being around kids breaks my heart” camp, being around anyone’s kids is a constant reminder of what they want and don’t have. Most that I’ve talked to wish they could feel differently, but the pain is too great.

Please share how you feel. Do you crave involvement in the lives of children or do you need to avoid being around kids?

P. S. What other letters would you like to send to your fertile friends, sister, and cousins? Send us your topics.

Image credit: Wilson X