Following the 2012 ban on American adoptions, Russian officials vowed to promote domestic adoptions. Officials claim that the number of children in orphanages is decreasing, but some Russian family advocates question that claim and say that the ban is only hurting children. Radio Free Europe has a good video looking at the state of Russian adoptions.
I recently met a friend of my daughter’s on a 6th grade field trip. Great kid. Class president. She excels at sports, she’s super smart, well spoken, polite and the things she said about her adoptive family would make anyone raising kids want to step their game up because they sound magical.
She was in my group on the field trip and she approached me saying my daughter talks about finding families and in particular mentioned me having found some families in Russia. She told me both her parents died when she was 17 months old which coincides with when she says she was adopted and brought to the U.S. Obviously the two don’t match up since I’d imagine the adopting couple was on a waiting list for a good while before being allowed to take her. Also it would be incredibly rare for both parents to be dead there just are very few true orphans in the world.
I asked if she was sure her parents were dead and she said yes. I told her I’d be happy to help find other family for her and that I’d discuss this with her adoptive parents when the girls meet for a project they are doing this week in school. I told her they’d likely have paperwork that would help me locate them and she was not real comfortable with that. I always help anyone that asks me and I want to be true to that. I don’t think her adoptive parents should prevent her from knowing who her family is at any age, I am just a bit uncomfortable helping her without their permission. At the same time they very well might not be willing to give it and she’s reaching out for help. She’s essentially stranded here even though it sounds like a great life with fantastic people. I don’t want her to get in trouble for asking. I’m not sure what to do actually because in principal I believe in helping no matter what. She’s just young…but what if while I am waiting for her to turn 18 her grandparents have a heart attack or her sibling gets tuberculosis and dies. I’m so torn.
Marilynn, to me a 6th grader is still very much a child, and I don’t think anyone has the right to do something this significant with a child without the parents being involved. I would be fully supportive of my child wanting to know and would do all in my power to help him/her, but I would be furious if an adult went behind my back to provide this information to my child without including me. If you were to find her birth parents who would be helping this child navigate these very confusing new relationship? Who would be preparing her in advance and helping her think through some of the feelings she might have and some of the issues that might arise. Further, you don’t really know this child. From what she says her parents sound lovely. They will know her very well and can make the best decision with her about searching and can fully support her and prepare her for the realities of cross cultural open adoptions.
Also, adopted kids sometime assume that their parents will be against a reunion because they feel a conflicted sense of loyalty. Her parents might well be fully supportive. Or they might be supportive but feel like she is not ready. They deserve to know, and they deserve to know that their child is thinking about this and wondering about her birth family. Of course it is normal to think and wonder and want answers. This provides a great opportunity for her parents to open up a dialog with her about adoption and birth family.