Preparing for the Worst—The Problem with Adoption Education

Dawn Davenport

55

When we prepare to be new parents, we often prepare for the worst. But, does that make us worry too much?

When we prepare to be new parents, we often prepare for the worst. But, does that make us worry too much?

My grandmother and most adoption educators live by the “prepare for the worst and hope for the best” philosophy.  But does preparing for the worst, then make us see the worst? Does adoption education that focuses on the potential problems make adoptive parents paranoid and prone to overreact?

Tara, a new adoptive mom, posted the following comment on my recent blog Walking the Tightrope in Adoptive Parenting:

I’m a first time parent so I have no experience with raising little ones and I’ve been struggling with this subject lately. When I did my research while waiting to adopt I did what I always do, prepared for the worst. So I read everything about raising troubled children, dealing with attachment issues, The Primal Wound (wow), and others. So now that I am actually a mom I’m looking for (expecting) all these issues, or rather seeing all of these problems when it is probably just regular development.

Currently, I’m concerned that my son happily goes to any Tom, Dick, Or Sheila who smiles at him and says he is cute, and then cries when I take him back. I read that kids who seem to attach to everyone have attachment issues. So I’m wondering if I should take him to a therapist at 11 months old. On the other hand, that seems ridiculous. Wish I read a little less about the bad stuff so I wouldn’t worry as much.

I’m so glad Tara made this comment.  As someone who runs an adoption education nonprofit, I am keenly aware of the exact point she’s making.  We want parents to be prepared for the worst, but then are we not predisposing them to think the worst every time an issue, be it normal development or adoption related, arises.  We truly try to keep things in perspective here, but I suspect that Creating a Family too is guilty.

There is a fine line between preparing you for the possible problems and scaring you needlessly.  Tara’s feelings are common. I heard frequently that parents dreaded and often avoided reading adoption books or preparation material because they were “all so negative.”  I remember having these feelings myself.

Much of what is available for adoption education was written specifically to focus on a problem (attachment, neurological disorders, etc.), and it was never the author’s intent to address the whole picture.  These books are wonderful resources for families living that experience, but most families at the beginning of the adoption process lack the proper context to keep them in perspective.  But adoption education that ignores the potential problems or does not address them thoroughly at the beginning would do a disservice to prospective adoptive parents and to the children they adopt.  I’m not trying to be defensive, but at times it’s a mighty hard needle to thread.

Tara, I obviously don’t know your son. I do know he was adopted at birth by a highly motivated and loving mama who had waited a very long time and worked very hard to get her boy.  For what it’s worth, one of my son’s was exactly like what you are describing. As a baby, he loved the attention of anyone and went freely to everyone.  He didn’t seem to ever go through the stranger anxiety stage.  Even when he fell down and was hurt, he seemed as easily comforted by others as by me, which I’ve got to tell you, hurt my feelings.  Throughout his life, he made friends easily and freely.  (I shudder to think that he is probably the life of the party in college now.)  This son is now almost a man and has what they call “high emotional IQ” and great people skills.  He likes everyone, and as one of his sister’s says, “He could talk to a stump and find it interesting.”  His love of people and being the center of attention has been both a blessing and a curse for him (and for me and his teachers), but I don’t think it’s pathological in the least.  The world needs folks like him and your little man.

 

Image credit: c.ronnie

17/04/2012 | by Dawn Davenport | Categories: Adoption, Adoption Blog, Blog | 55 Comments



55 Responses to Preparing for the Worst—The Problem with Adoption Education

  1. Jenn Porter says:

    I totally get this. I have a teen that we got as a foster child at age 8. And when we face things that I know are “normal” for a teenager, my mind automatically goes first to the trauma, rather than to just normal development. And sometimes it’s just hard to know the difference. I heard someone once recommend that parents, when faced with that dilemma, err on the side of normal development rather than assuming it’s always adoption related.

    And for what it’s worth, I was adopted as an infant, was a very happy baby/child and am now a perfectly happy adult. Never went through any attachment issues or identity crisis related to my adoption. I just always felt perfectly at home right where I was.

  2. Laurie Beaulieu Laurie Beaulieu says:

    Preparing for the worst or having low expectations for me anyway made things seem relatively smooth and better than expected…my daughter came home at 16 months and had been in an orphanage since she was 2 weeks old….The books I read really helped me understand many of the things my daughter went through and some of the issues she still copes with….it also gave me the words to use when having to explain why a situation was more than just …. I do not think it made me see the worst…..it did open me up to the stress and emotional issues my daughter had to overcome or work through.:)

  3. Laurie Beaulieu Laurie Beaulieu says:

    Preparing for the worst or having low expectations for me anyway made things seem relatively smooth and better than expected…my daughter came home at 16 months and had been in an orphanage since she was 2 weeks old….The books I read really helped me understand many of the things my daughter went through and some of the issues she still copes with….it also gave me the words to use when having to explain why a situation was more than just …. I do not think it made me see the worst…..it did open me up to the stress and emotional issues my daughter had to overcome or work through.:)

  4. Tara B. says:

    I think this is a terrific question to dialogue about. With 2 adopted children thriving and 1 struggling, I don’t feel like I know enough. Despite the books I’ve read, the training, the information I have looked to for education and tools to make me a better mom, I’m always wavering on the the line of “Is this normal?”

    What’s funny is that I recall asking myself the same things as a first time birth mother… “Is this normal?” I feel that there are parallels to parenting as a whole but when we throw in another variable outside of the “norm”, we help our child by becoming better ourselves as parents. I think whether it’s Down Syndrome, FAS, developmental disabilities, physical disabilities or adoption, we all want to give our kids the very best life possible and we do that by educating ourselves in the circumstance we are faced with in order to make us a better parent and advocate for our child.

    I have seen the line crossed of “over reacting” but that’s not because of the education the parent received, but the state of mind(exhaustion, fear, judgment of themselves or by others to do this perfectly) of the parent in being able to slow down and process through the situation at hand. The more support parents have in any of the above situations, the more equipped they are to make an informed decision and be the very best they can as a parent.

  5. Sue Taylor Sue Taylor says:

    This is a very interesting issue Dawn. I do think that sometimes we are over vigilant, and look for things to be wrong when a child is just being a child. Yep, I’m guilty of it. We went through a similiar concern about our daughter being so social and outgoing – going to anyone, anywhere. An adoption attachment expert thought it was worth observing (for big $$$), my pediatrician said I just described her daughter who is also social and she felt that we could watch it but no need to take action. We settled on reading books about attachment and trying to do play exercises that increased attachment/bonding, because I figure there is just no harm in reinforcing secure attachments. In retrospect, I think I worried a lot about nothing (at least I hope that is what I will say a decade from now).

  6. Sue Taylor Sue Taylor says:

    This is a very interesting issue Dawn. I do think that sometimes we are over vigilant, and look for things to be wrong when a child is just being a child. Yep, I’m guilty of it. We went through a similiar concern about our daughter being so social and outgoing – going to anyone, anywhere. An adoption attachment expert thought it was worth observing (for big $$$), my pediatrician said I just described her daughter who is also social and she felt that we could watch it but no need to take action. We settled on reading books about attachment and trying to do play exercises that increased attachment/bonding, because I figure there is just no harm in reinforcing secure attachments. In retrospect, I think I worried a lot about nothing (at least I hope that is what I will say a decade from now).

  7. Sue Taylor Sue Taylor says:

    This is a very interesting issue Dawn. I do think that sometimes we are over vigilant, and look for things to be wrong when a child is just being a child. Yep, I’m guilty of it. We went through a similiar concern about our daughter being so social and outgoing – going to anyone, anywhere. An adoption attachment expert thought it was worth observing (for big $$$), my pediatrician said I just described her daughter who is also social and she felt that we could watch it but no need to take action. We settled on reading books about attachment and trying to do play exercises that increased attachment/bonding, because I figure there is just no harm in reinforcing secure attachments. In retrospect, I think I worried a lot about nothing (at least I hope that is what I will say a decade from now).

  8. Melissa says:

    I think it’s better to adopt a stance of “Throw out your expectations.” If you go in prepared for the worst I think you will see the worst. At the same time if you do absolutely no research then you may find yourself ill prepared for a difficult moment. Instead, educate yourself but don’t go overboard. And trust your instincts. Just like with a biological child, you could experience anything and everything.

  9. Sally says:

    You are right, it is a difficult path to tread. I think what’s needed is balance. Adopters need to know about the potential difficulties as well as the joys. We owe it to adopters that they are fully prepared and I say that as someone who has been through the highs and the lows.
    Great site.

  10. Rachel G Rachel G says:

    Excellent! I’m all for education pre and post adoption. Never stop learning! Yet, the mom’s concerns are right on. We can drive ourselves crazy by over-informing and projecting and guessing. 🙂

  11. Ali says:

    Thank you for sharing!
    Was nice to see this posted today.
    I’m often curious by all of the negativity surrounding adoption. I wonder constantly how much of it I should take on board as a pre-adoptive parent. I’m reading the books suggested, going to the courses, and finding that the underlying current to them all is “there is nothing positive here – get ready for a life of struggle, don’t count on having a normal happy family, etc…”
    I find myself constantly wading through the minutia trying to find the one glimmer of hope.
    I would love to see some positive stories about adoption being not only provided during the pre-adoption stage but recommended as reading materials!
    Surely all kids have their ups and downs and not all of them need to be pigeonholed as “problem”. I believe that expectation is a big part of how we as humans respond to our environment. A little positive expectation couldn’t hurt these children, or the potential parents.
    I choose to learn as much as possible, but plan for the best possible outcome 🙂

  12. Laurie, that helps to hear. It eases some of my concerns that we over-emphasize the negative.

  13. Dawn said:

    Sally, thanks. I agree that the key is balance, but finding that balance is harder than it looks.

    [[Comment imported from blog] at 6:37 pm on April 17, 2012]

  14. Melissa said:

    I think it’s better to adopt a stance of “Throw out your expectations.” If you go in prepared for the worst I think you will see the worst. At the same time if you do absolutely no research then you may find yourself ill prepared for a difficult moment. Instead, educate yourself but don’t go overboard. And trust your instincts. Just like with a biological child, you could experience anything and everything.

    [[Comment imported from blog] at 6:46 pm on April 17, 2012]

  15. Mike Recant said:

    I had not thought about it before but, yes, pre-adoption material can be both helpful and hurtful. The material that prepares you for the “process” is great. Help in knowing what to expect (after mailing in Form A you will get a call back from Person B, etc) definitely improves efficiency and reduces anxiety in the hellishly complex adoption process. Also, pre-adoption material that helps people avoid the common “mistakes” if also wonderful.

    Unfortunately, a lot of pre-adoption material is really the stuff of support groups … families with a problem helping families in the same situation. There is definitely a need for support group material, but unless there is a preventative component, I’m not sure helps soon-to-be adoptive families to learn about everything that could go wrong, but probably won’t.

    I remember those pre-adoption days when everything was either wildly exciting, somewhat mysterious or downright frightening. While my tendency is to be a staunch realist, I believe this is one time when it is best stick only with the exciting and mysterious.

    [[Comment imported from blog] at 8:33 pm on April 17, 2012]

  16. Dawn said:

    I hear you Mike, but I worry that a diet of exciting and mysterious doesn’t help weed out those folks who truly are not equipped to handle kids who come from hard places. This is especially true when adopting older kids or kids with significant prenatal exposure issues.

    [[Comment imported from blog] at 9:06 pm on April 17, 2012]

  17. Dawn said:

    Melissa, I like that–throw out your expectations.

    [[Comment imported from blog] at 9:04 pm on April 17, 2012]

  18. Heather said:

    I adopted a healthy baby who came home at 7 months old. Our “healthy” baby had hearing loss, cranial facial deformity, severe gross motor delays, early childhood trama, and seizures that we knew nothing about before hand. I am very glad that I was prepared to handle it all. Would I have likely been up to the task without training, yes, but having the training has meant I knew what I was looking for and how to find and advocate the the help and services we needed. She is now a very healthy, beautiful four year old. Do I maybe look to hard for things? Yes, but in reality she needed a lot of help.
    ~ Heather

    [[Comment imported from blog] at 10:40 pm on April 17, 2012]

  19. Tara said:

    Thanks for featuring my question Dawn! I think I probably should have read a few things that would give me information about potential problems, just just one or two. I had already listened to every podcast, read the blogs, went to adoption conferences and scoured your site so I had it covered. What I didn’t do was read plain old parenting books! In fact I actively avoided it. I felt like reading about how to take care of babies and children would be too depressing during my long wait, I didn’t believe a birth mom would actually chose me, big mistake. I wish I had read about infant sleep issues while I was not dead tired and holding a screaming infant. Reading through What to Expect the First Year would be been more useful than reading about RAD. Live and learn!

    [[Comment imported from blog] at 1:50 am on April 18, 2012]

  20. Sally said:

    You are right, it is a difficult path to tread. I think what’s needed is balance. Adopters need to know about the potential difficulties as well as the joys. We owe it to adopters that they are fully prepared and I say that as someone who has been through the highs and the lows.
    Great site.

    [[Comment imported from blog] at 6:30 pm on April 17, 2012]

  21. Dawn said:

    Lynne, glad to hear that you got the education you needed to help your child and your family. I guess better late than never.

    [[Comment imported from blog] at 1:17 pm on April 18, 2012]

  22. Tara B. said:

    I think this is a terrific question to dialogue about. With 2 adopted children thriving and 1 struggling, I don’t feel like I know enough. Despite the books I’ve read, the training, the information I have looked to for education and tools to make me a better mom, I’m always wavering on the the line of “Is this normal?”

    What’s funny is that I recall asking myself the same things as a first time birth mother… “Is this normal?” I feel that there are parallels to parenting as a whole but when we throw in another variable outside of the “norm”, we help our child by becoming better ourselves as parents. I think whether it’s Down Syndrome, FAS, developmental disabilities, physical disabilities or adoption, we all want to give our kids the very best life possible and we do that by educating ourselves in the circumstance we are faced with in order to make us a better parent and advocate for our child.

    I have seen the line crossed of “over reacting” but that’s not because of the education the parent received, but the state of mind(exhaustion, fear, judgment of themselves or by others to do this perfectly) of the parent in being able to slow down and process through the situation at hand. The more support parents have in any of the above situations, the more equipped they are to make an informed decision and be the very best they can as a parent.

    [[Comment imported from blog] at 4:19 pm on April 18, 2012]

  23. Dawn said:

    Tara B., so very true!

    [[Comment imported from blog] at 8:37 pm on April 18, 2012]

  24. Lynne said:

    When I read that Tara read primal wound prior to parenting an child through adoption,,my hat went off to her. I could never get through it, because I don’t believe it all.
    I do believe that us ap’s need to embrace our children and their heritage and to be aware of what kind of issue’s may arise.
    As a parent to an adopted child for 19 yrs now, in a totally open adoption, we have learned that honesty from everyone is the best policy and we keep no secrets.
    Our second child through adoption, came with some issues of attachment such as RAD and we were not prepared, but 11 yrs later we are well educated. Hard way to get an education, but we are surviving.

    [[Comment imported from blog] at 1:12 pm on April 18, 2012]

  25. Dawn said:

    Heather, and it’s stories like yours that keep me continuing to try to paint the whole picture. Thanks so much for sharing.

    [[Comment imported from blog] at 12:50 pm on April 18, 2012]

  26. Dawn said:

    Oh Tara, you’ll be living and learning a lot in the next 20+ years. There is no way to be prepared in advance for it all because each child, each parent, and each parent/child group is so unique. On the other hand, all this living and learning is what makes it fun.

    [[Comment imported from blog] at 12:47 pm on April 18, 2012]

  27. Kelly said:

    I had to chuckle at this post a bit as whenever I meet with a special needs coordinator or therapist, they always remark that I am so aware / prepared / knowledgeable about my daughter’s needs (particularly versus bio-parents who they say are usually in denial). I tell them that adoptive parents – particularly in international adoption – typically expect that they will be dealing with issues and are pleasantly surprised if there aren’t any (which was the case with our son, our first). I will say that being so well prepared gave me a lot of confidence for both adoptions but particularly to bring home our daughter with special needs (not what we planned on going into it). And further intensive research has allowed us to treat her needs and be proactive – not overreactive – in addressing potential issues so she is doing GREAT 1 1/2 years since coming home.

    [[Comment imported from blog] at 3:19 am on April 22, 2012]

  28. Melissa said:

    I think it’s better to adopt a stance of “Throw out your expectations.” If you go in prepared for the worst I think you will see the worst. At the same time if you do absolutely no research then you may find yourself ill prepared for a difficult moment. Instead, educate yourself but don’t go overboard. And trust your instincts. Just like with a biological child, you could experience anything and everything.

    [[Comment imported from blog] at 6:46 pm on April 17, 2012]

  29. Dawn said:

    Sally, thanks. I agree that the key is balance, but finding that balance is harder than it looks.

    [[Comment imported from blog] at 6:37 pm on April 17, 2012]

  30. Laurie, that helps to hear. It eases some of my concerns that we over-emphasize the negative.

  31. Mike Recant said:

    I had not thought about it before but, yes, pre-adoption material can be both helpful and hurtful. The material that prepares you for the “process” is great. Help in knowing what to expect (after mailing in Form A you will get a call back from Person B, etc) definitely improves efficiency and reduces anxiety in the hellishly complex adoption process. Also, pre-adoption material that helps people avoid the common “mistakes” if also wonderful.

    Unfortunately, a lot of pre-adoption material is really the stuff of support groups … families with a problem helping families in the same situation. There is definitely a need for support group material, but unless there is a preventative component, I’m not sure helps soon-to-be adoptive families to learn about everything that could go wrong, but probably won’t.

    I remember those pre-adoption days when everything was either wildly exciting, somewhat mysterious or downright frightening. While my tendency is to be a staunch realist, I believe this is one time when it is best stick only with the exciting and mysterious.

    [[Comment imported from blog] at 8:33 pm on April 17, 2012]

  32. Mike Recant says:

    I had not thought about it before but, yes, pre-adoption material can be both helpful and hurtful. The material that prepares you for the “process” is great. Help in knowing what to expect (after mailing in Form A you will get a call back from Person B, etc) definitely improves efficiency and reduces anxiety in the hellishly complex adoption process. Also, pre-adoption material that helps people avoid the common “mistakes” if also wonderful.

    Unfortunately, a lot of pre-adoption material is really the stuff of support groups … families with a problem helping families in the same situation. There is definitely a need for support group material, but unless there is a preventative component, I’m not sure helps soon-to-be adoptive families to learn about everything that could go wrong, but probably won’t.

    I remember those pre-adoption days when everything was either wildly exciting, somewhat mysterious or downright frightening. While my tendency is to be a staunch realist, I believe this is one time when it is best stick only with the exciting and mysterious.

    • Dawn says:

      I hear you Mike, but I worry that a diet of exciting and mysterious doesn’t help weed out those folks who truly are not equipped to handle kids who come from hard places. This is especially true when adopting older kids or kids with significant prenatal exposure issues.

  33. Lynne says:

    When I read that Tara read primal wound prior to parenting an child through adoption,,my hat went off to her. I could never get through it, because I don’t believe it all.
    I do believe that us ap’s need to embrace our children and their heritage and to be aware of what kind of issue’s may arise.
    As a parent to an adopted child for 19 yrs now, in a totally open adoption, we have learned that honesty from everyone is the best policy and we keep no secrets.
    Our second child through adoption, came with some issues of attachment such as RAD and we were not prepared, but 11 yrs later we are well educated. Hard way to get an education, but we are surviving.

  34. Heather says:

    I adopted a healthy baby who came home at 7 months old. Our “healthy” baby had hearing loss, cranial facial deformity, severe gross motor delays, early childhood trama, and seizures that we knew nothing about before hand. I am very glad that I was prepared to handle it all. Would I have likely been up to the task without training, yes, but having the training has meant I knew what I was looking for and how to find and advocate the the help and services we needed. She is now a very healthy, beautiful four year old. Do I maybe look to hard for things? Yes, but in reality she needed a lot of help.
    ~ Heather

  35. Tara says:

    Thanks for featuring my question Dawn! I think I probably should have read a few things that would give me information about potential problems, just just one or two. I had already listened to every podcast, read the blogs, went to adoption conferences and scoured your site so I had it covered. What I didn’t do was read plain old parenting books! In fact I actively avoided it. I felt like reading about how to take care of babies and children would be too depressing during my long wait, I didn’t believe a birth mom would actually chose me, big mistake. I wish I had read about infant sleep issues while I was not dead tired and holding a screaming infant. Reading through What to Expect the First Year would be been more useful than reading about RAD. Live and learn!

    • Dawn says:

      Oh Tara, you’ll be living and learning a lot in the next 20+ years. There is no way to be prepared in advance for it all because each child, each parent, and each parent/child group is so unique. On the other hand, all this living and learning is what makes it fun.

  36. Dawn said:

    Tara B., so very true!

    [[Comment imported from blog] at 8:37 pm on April 18, 2012]

  37. Dawn said:

    Lynne, glad to hear that you got the education you needed to help your child and your family. I guess better late than never.

    [[Comment imported from blog] at 1:17 pm on April 18, 2012]

  38. Dawn said:

    Oh Tara, you’ll be living and learning a lot in the next 20+ years. There is no way to be prepared in advance for it all because each child, each parent, and each parent/child group is so unique. On the other hand, all this living and learning is what makes it fun.

    [[Comment imported from blog] at 12:47 pm on April 18, 2012]

  39. Kelly says:

    I had to chuckle at this post a bit as whenever I meet with a special needs coordinator or therapist, they always remark that I am so aware / prepared / knowledgeable about my daughter’s needs (particularly versus bio-parents who they say are usually in denial). I tell them that adoptive parents – particularly in international adoption – typically expect that they will be dealing with issues and are pleasantly surprised if there aren’t any (which was the case with our son, our first). I will say that being so well prepared gave me a lot of confidence for both adoptions but particularly to bring home our daughter with special needs (not what we planned on going into it). And further intensive research has allowed us to treat her needs and be proactive – not overreactive – in addressing potential issues so she is doing GREAT 1 1/2 years since coming home.

  40. Tara B. said:

    I think this is a terrific question to dialogue about. With 2 adopted children thriving and 1 struggling, I don’t feel like I know enough. Despite the books I’ve read, the training, the information I have looked to for education and tools to make me a better mom, I’m always wavering on the the line of “Is this normal?”

    What’s funny is that I recall asking myself the same things as a first time birth mother… “Is this normal?” I feel that there are parallels to parenting as a whole but when we throw in another variable outside of the “norm”, we help our child by becoming better ourselves as parents. I think whether it’s Down Syndrome, FAS, developmental disabilities, physical disabilities or adoption, we all want to give our kids the very best life possible and we do that by educating ourselves in the circumstance we are faced with in order to make us a better parent and advocate for our child.

    I have seen the line crossed of “over reacting” but that’s not because of the education the parent received, but the state of mind(exhaustion, fear, judgment of themselves or by others to do this perfectly) of the parent in being able to slow down and process through the situation at hand. The more support parents have in any of the above situations, the more equipped they are to make an informed decision and be the very best they can as a parent.

    [[Comment imported from blog] at 4:19 pm on April 18, 2012]

  41. Sally said:

    You are right, it is a difficult path to tread. I think what’s needed is balance. Adopters need to know about the potential difficulties as well as the joys. We owe it to adopters that they are fully prepared and I say that as someone who has been through the highs and the lows.
    Great site.

    [[Comment imported from blog] at 6:30 pm on April 17, 2012]

  42. Dawn said:

    Heather, and it’s stories like yours that keep me continuing to try to paint the whole picture. Thanks so much for sharing.

    [[Comment imported from blog] at 12:50 pm on April 18, 2012]

  43. Heather said:

    I adopted a healthy baby who came home at 7 months old. Our “healthy” baby had hearing loss, cranial facial deformity, severe gross motor delays, early childhood trama, and seizures that we knew nothing about before hand. I am very glad that I was prepared to handle it all. Would I have likely been up to the task without training, yes, but having the training has meant I knew what I was looking for and how to find and advocate the the help and services we needed. She is now a very healthy, beautiful four year old. Do I maybe look to hard for things? Yes, but in reality she needed a lot of help.
    ~ Heather

    [[Comment imported from blog] at 10:40 pm on April 17, 2012]

  44. Kelly said:

    I had to chuckle at this post a bit as whenever I meet with a special needs coordinator or therapist, they always remark that I am so aware / prepared / knowledgeable about my daughter’s needs (particularly versus bio-parents who they say are usually in denial). I tell them that adoptive parents – particularly in international adoption – typically expect that they will be dealing with issues and are pleasantly surprised if there aren’t any (which was the case with our son, our first). I will say that being so well prepared gave me a lot of confidence for both adoptions but particularly to bring home our daughter with special needs (not what we planned on going into it). And further intensive research has allowed us to treat her needs and be proactive – not overreactive – in addressing potential issues so she is doing GREAT 1 1/2 years since coming home.

    [[Comment imported from blog] at 3:19 am on April 22, 2012]

  45. Lynne said:

    When I read that Tara read primal wound prior to parenting an child through adoption,,my hat went off to her. I could never get through it, because I don’t believe it all.
    I do believe that us ap’s need to embrace our children and their heritage and to be aware of what kind of issue’s may arise.
    As a parent to an adopted child for 19 yrs now, in a totally open adoption, we have learned that honesty from everyone is the best policy and we keep no secrets.
    Our second child through adoption, came with some issues of attachment such as RAD and we were not prepared, but 11 yrs later we are well educated. Hard way to get an education, but we are surviving.

    [[Comment imported from blog] at 1:12 pm on April 18, 2012]

  46. Tara said:

    Thanks for featuring my question Dawn! I think I probably should have read a few things that would give me information about potential problems, just just one or two. I had already listened to every podcast, read the blogs, went to adoption conferences and scoured your site so I had it covered. What I didn’t do was read plain old parenting books! In fact I actively avoided it. I felt like reading about how to take care of babies and children would be too depressing during my long wait, I didn’t believe a birth mom would actually chose me, big mistake. I wish I had read about infant sleep issues while I was not dead tired and holding a screaming infant. Reading through What to Expect the First Year would be been more useful than reading about RAD. Live and learn!

    [[Comment imported from blog] at 1:50 am on April 18, 2012]

  47. Dawn said:

    I hear you Mike, but I worry that a diet of exciting and mysterious doesn’t help weed out those folks who truly are not equipped to handle kids who come from hard places. This is especially true when adopting older kids or kids with significant prenatal exposure issues.

    [[Comment imported from blog] at 9:06 pm on April 17, 2012]

  48. Dawn said:

    Melissa, I like that–throw out your expectations.

    [[Comment imported from blog] at 9:04 pm on April 17, 2012]

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Back to Top ↑

Content created by Creating a Family. And remember, there are no guarantees in adoption or infertility treatment. The information provided or referenced on this website should be used only as part of an overall plan to help educate you about the joys and challenges of adopting a child or dealing with infertility. Although the following seems obvious, our attorney insists that we tell you specifically that the information provided on this site may not be appropriate or applicable to you, and despite our best efforts, it may contain errors or important omissions. You should rely only upon the professionals you employ to assist you directly with your individual circumstances. CREATING A FAMILY DOES NOT WARRANT THE INFORMATION OR MATERIALS contained or referenced on this website. CREATING A FAMILY EXPRESSLY DISCLAIMS LIABILITY FOR ERRORS or omissions in this information and materials and PROVIDES NO WARRANTY OF ANY KIND, implied, express or statutory. IN NO EVENT WILL CREATING A FAMILY BE LIABLE FOR ANY DAMAGES, including without limitation direct or indirect, special, incidental, or consequential damages, losses or expenses arising out of or in connection with the use of the information or materials, EVEN IF CREATING A FAMILY OR ITS AGENTS ARE NEGLIGENT AND/OR ARE ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH DAMAGES.