Gather round my friends and check out what’s caught my attention lately on the wonderful world wide web in the areas of adoption and infertility. Share your favorite finds in the comment section.
- What music do you put on when you need to get motivated, uplifted, or just plain want to feel better. I loved this blog by The Womb Warrior with the music video for Florence + The Machine’s “Shake It Out”. The song makes me want to go climb a mountain, tackle a hard project, or at the very least dance. Do yourself a favor and listen to the music and read what WW says: “After four and a half years of trying to have a baby, failed IUIs, IVFs, and miscarriages, with diagnoses of both male and female factor infertility, I feel like I need to ‘Shake It Out’.”
- I LOVE LOVE LOVE this new blog I found—”Statistically Impossible: A birthfather in an open adoption who stuck around. This is my voice.” One of my personal goals is to expand openness and understanding within all members of the adoption community. (I sound like I’m giving an acceptance speech at an award ceremony, don’t I?) The voice of birth dads is one we seldom here. This guy is one heck of a writer. I mean it, you must add this to the list of blogs you read.
- I’ve just started playing around on this website, Health Tap, where you can ask a health question and get an answer by a doctor. So far the information seems good and the process to sign up fairly painless. It looks like a great resource for accurate health info on infertility, women’s health, and childhood medical issues.
- Sad, frustrating, scary are just a few of the adjectives to describe this story…oh, and I should add “not uncommon”. Family adopted a newborn domestically and later found out she had been exposed to drugs and alcohol in utero. This article outlines what they did to try to help their daughter, but ultimately when she was 7, they decided to send the child to a therapeutic foster home to live. They continue to support her financially and remain involved in her life. After the article came out, they were vilified in the comments to this article. Gives new meaning to the wisdom of not judging unless you’ve walked in their shoes.
What caught your attention this week?
Image credit: Steve Rhode
Thank you Dawn for your input. It is HARD WORK when a child has mental health issues/ or emotional issues coupled with mental health issues.
I know of two families personally who tragically ended adoptions due to violence in the home. I do not believe every parent is equipped to be a therapeutic home. And WE are NOT perfect parents, so I hope I don’t give that impression.
However, we have found that preparation for the worst case scenario is a NECESSARY part of adoption. Most of the time things turn out fine. But then there are those times when they don’t.
Having an arsenal of support in ENCOURAGEMENT is very important. Nobody needs the “what is wrong with her? or “can you send her back”…nay sayers. That can be devastating and cause a lot of self doubt.
We have 8 children, 4 bio, 4 adopted. All ours.
Our boys, gave us a variety of odd behaviors when they were little. 3 of them were preemies and one spent his first 2 months in the hospital. The others less time than that.
One of them had brain damage due to a brain bleed. That brought about YEARS of interesting behaviors. :/ Our 3rd son had extreme behaviors due to adhd, before adhd existed.
He slept 5 to 6 hours a night…. and then had many sensory issues, tantrums, etc.
I have to wonder, had we adopted the boys, would we have been told, to get rid of them? We WERE told to put one of them in a home because of his behaviors.
Instead, we committed to seeing them to the end and succeeding with them. This took MANY CHANGES IN OUR OWN parenting style and skills. That is what parents do. They change to meet their children’s needs.
Today, the same extreme boys I mention above are married men with children. One is a high school teacher and the other getting ready to start his doctorate in theology.
Go figure. 🙂
I think sometimes we expect so much out of our children so early…they work things out and they think like CHILDREN NOT ADULTS.
Remember back to when you were 10. What did you understand or know about the world or did you ever even consider if you had a tantrum (which I didn’t) that somebody would get rid of you?
I took our youngest out yesterday. (She just turned 12) She is really more 8, emotionally. It is her anniversary time. She will have been home 1 year next month. I asked her to talk to me about her other families if she wanted. Oh boy she gave me a wealth of blogging. LOL
She fully did not understand what was happening to her. She didn’t connect her behavior to leaving. She didn’t fathom that she would ever have to leave and not come back. And this happened twice.
Imagine, now that she loves us, which she does, how fearful that could make her, ESPECIALLY since she had no preparation for the events before.
When I see that dear in the headlights look, I remind her she is safe and she isn’t going anywhere. And she calms.
I think there are extreme circumstances where disruption is necessary. But I also think it happens WAY MORE than it should. We have had SEVERAL opportunities to take in more children, which at this time we cannot. But it really makes me sad for the parents and the kids.
Parenting is HARD work. It is not a right. It is a blessing and a gift.
If a person doesn’t think they can parent a special needs child… I would seriously reconsider having children through birth OR adoption. Because there are NO GUARANTEES in life.
But, if a person wants to have a family, which is an awesome desire, then prepare for any situation… including the heartbreaking ones that could come your way and be prepared to be blessed beyond measure.
Christie, wow, so beautifully said. Of course, the part of what you said that I want to emphasize is the need for education and preparation. YES!!
This article disturbed me too. I wonder, if a different style of parenting were implemented, as was done in the foster home where she is doing WELL, would there be a need for disruption?
We adopted our daughter through foster care and she was drug exposed and alcohol exposed. Her record at 5 was a mile long! She went through 5 foster placements in 2 1/2 years…. she was considered high risk…. It took us several years to work through her issues, but at 13, she is AWESOME! We have also adopted from disruption an 11 year old, who is now 12. BOTH parents were SEVERE alcoholics. She went through 2 adoptive homes BEFORE us.
I strongly believe, had they parented her according to her needs, she wouldn’t be with us. But they didn’t and she is and we are thankful and love her. She is doing well.
FAS is NOT the end of the world. Special needs children are NOT the end of the world. But if you are thinking only about the problem… they can’t learn the same, or it is hard work…. or YOU are not attached….. YOU…NOT THEM… (how can they attach if YOU don’t) then…well…. maybe disruption is what is best. But it is sad.
Christie, it’s hard to disagree with your “been there, lived that” experience and advice, but I think anytime something goes wrong with an adoption it is easy to play armchair quarterback. It’s too easy to blame the family. I realize that isn’t what you were doing per se, and I also realize you are living the experience and know of what you speak. But I can’t help but think that this family tried hard to make it work. This discussion has given me much to think about and I so appreciate the last several comments for stirring my thoughts and challenging my ideas.
Hi Dawn,
I wanted to say that I love your blog and I know you do your research (to say the least). In regard to the last article cited here–I know you read the article, but did you read the adoptive mom’s BLOG (which is linked by in the article)? I have to say that in reading the article, I felt a lot of sympathy for her and her family. However, once I read her BLOG, that changed. Her blog is, to put it mildly, ALL about HER. HER struggles, HER problems, HER hardships with raising this child. I found it very self-serving and disturbing. She blames the adopted daughter for everything. She begins her blog by stating how she is parenting “the legacy of an addict”. Really? THAT is how we refer to our children? I’m sorry, but that is awful. She makes it clear that she feels no responsibility at all for her daughter’s inability to bond with her; everything is either the kid’s fault or the birthmother’s, and the child “does not fit into the constellation” of the family. I felt ill reading this, and any sympathy I had for her vanished. I struggled with whether or not to even comment here, because I don’t want to give any more publicity to this “mother”. She has now also written a book, apparently–again all about HER struggles. Gross. All I could think while reading the blog was “No wonder adult adoptees have such anger toward us”.
I am not denying that dissolution happens in adoption, and I am not saying that it is NEVER in the child’s best interest to do so. But I don’t think this woman was a very good example to follow if APs find themselves in a similar situation. Her blog is called “A Pile of Ideas”. Well, it’s a pile of something, alright, but certainly not good ideas.
~Kimberley, Mom to 3 through adoption.
Kimberley, yes, I went to her site and read quite a few of her past blog as well as excerpts from her soon to be published book. I didn’t feel like it was “all about her”, although I do see where you are coming from. I just saw it that she was writing from her perspective as a mom who had decided after much consideration to relinquish a child. You’ve given me a lot to think about however in your thoughtful comment. Let me cogitate on this awhile. It may deserve a blog in itself.