• SUBSCRIBE TO NEWSLETTER


  • Do’s & Don’ts of Telling Infertile Friends You’re Pregnant

    Fact Sheets

    4

    How to tell an infertile friend that you are pregnant.

     

    First off, let’s acknowledge that there is no perfect way to share you pregnancy news with someone who is suffering from infertility or pregnancy loss. There are better ways, but no perfect way to tell them that will avoid pain.

     

    We have been trying for 3 years to get pregnant and have had lots of failed IUIs and 1 failed IVF cycle. We are now pregnant with twins from our 2nd cycle. I have a friend at work that is also infertile. We have shared a lot of our struggles together.  After I told everyone at work last week, she hasn’t spoken to me since. How should I have told her? I can’t help but feel like I’ve lost a good friend.

    No matter what you do, your infertile friend will hurt. She can be happy for you, but she still feels devastated and hopeless. Your understanding of that goes a long way to lessen the blow.

    Do’s of Telling Infertile Friends You’re Pregnant

    Tell them soon. Don’t let them hear your news from someone else.

    Tell them privately. Nothing is worse than having to hold in your emotions in a crowd – faking it until you can escape to someplace private to fall apart.

    We did a poll of our community and most people preferred an email or letter, but some preferred to hear in person. I favor an email or letter, so that your infertile friend can react however they want without worrying about you, but depending on your level of intimacy you may need to do it in person.

    Give them space. They need time to process and space to be self-protective. They may get over their need for distance quickly, but it might last throughout the pregnancy and beyond.

    Don’ts of Telling Infertile Friends You’re Pregnant

    Don’t take their reaction personally, even though you really want to.

    Don’t say you understand how they feel unless you’ve actually been there.

    Don’t put a happy spin on it. “I just know that you’ll be next” doesn’t help.

    Don’t apologize for your pregnancy.

    Don’t set a time limit on how long they need to distance themselves.

    Try These Words

    Depending on your relationship, try something like this:

    I wish there was the perfect way to tell you this without hurting you, but there isn’t. I’m X weeks pregnant. I’m telling you privately (or by email, or letter) not to be rude, but to give you the space you might need to process this information. Please know that I care about you (or love you) and am sorry to be adding to your pain.

    Now here’s the thing. You could have done all the above and your friend might still have responded poorly. Her grief may be too raw or her coping resources too low at that particular moment.  She too probably feels like she’s lost a friend that is sharing her journey. She is once again on the outside looking in. That sucks.

    Or, let’s face it – she may be a fairly self-centered person in general, and the added insult of infertility doesn’t bring out the best in anyone.

    How have you told your infertile friends that you are pregnant? What worked and what backfired?

     

    Image credit: Nishanth Jois

    02/09/2014 | by Fact Sheets | Categories: Blog, Infertility, Infertility Blog, Infertility Resources | 4 Comments


    Sign up for our newsletter to have the latest and greatest adoption and infertility resource​s delivered to your inbox weekly.


    4 Responses to Do’s & Don’ts of Telling Infertile Friends You’re Pregnant

    1. AnonT says:

      You are totally right…there is not right way to tell it – it’s gonna hurt either way. You suggestion of giving people space is a good one. When you are infertile and people tell you they are pregnant, you know in your heart they are not trying to hurt you but sometimes you just need some time away.

    2. Lisa says:

      Great post, Dawn. The script you wrote on what to say is absolutely perfect. Pinning this now!

    Leave a Reply

    Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

    You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>

    Back to Top ↑

    Content created by Creating a Family. And remember, there are no guarantees in adoption or infertility treatment. The information provided or referenced on this website should be used only as part of an overall plan to help educate you about the joys and challenges of adopting a child or dealing with infertility. Although the following seems obvious, our attorney insists that we tell you specifically that the information provided on this site may not be appropriate or applicable to you, and despite our best efforts, it may contain errors or important omissions. You should rely only upon the professionals you employ to assist you directly with your individual circumstances. CREATING A FAMILY DOES NOT WARRANT THE INFORMATION OR MATERIALS contained or referenced on this website. CREATING A FAMILY EXPRESSLY DISCLAIMS LIABILITY FOR ERRORS or omissions in this information and materials and PROVIDES NO WARRANTY OF ANY KIND, implied, express or statutory. IN NO EVENT WILL CREATING A FAMILY BE LIABLE FOR ANY DAMAGES, including without limitation direct or indirect, special, incidental, or consequential damages, losses or expenses arising out of or in connection with the use of the information or materials, EVEN IF CREATING A FAMILY OR ITS AGENTS ARE NEGLIGENT AND/OR ARE ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH DAMAGES.