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    Uncertainty of Adoption or Infertility Can Rob You of Living

    Dawn Davenport


    LoreniaHi, my name is Dawn and I’m a planner. I like to have a general idea of what I’m going to do today, this week, two months from now, and generally for the next few years. I’m not obsessive (much) and can quickly adapt to changed circumstances, but pretty soon after the change happens I start planning again.

    Well, it Depends—Will I be Pregnant?

    One of the most frustrating things about infertility—other than the whole not having a baby part—is that you can’t plan your life. Where should we go on vacation? Well, it depends—will we be pregnant?  What size car should we buy? Well, it depends—will we need room for a car seat? Should your husband go on that fishing trip with his buddies? Well, it depends—will I be ovulating that weekend? Should I accept this big promotion that will require 60 hour weeks for the next year? Well, it depends.  You get the picture.

    The Adoption Wait is Not Much Better

    Adoption, especially domestic or foster care adoption, isn’t much better since you really have no idea when you will be matched. You could be one of the lucky ones and get a placement a few months after you finish your home study. Or maybe not. International adoption isn’t exactly a planners paradise, but at least you usually have a general idea on the timing.

    Don’t Put Off Living

    Infertility robs you of so much; don’t let it rob you of your life. Easier said than done, I know. There are so many what ifs when trying to decide what to do next month, much less next year, but putting your life on hold just adds to the pain and losses associated with not being able to get pregnant.

    You deserve to live a full life! So right now, I dare you, plan something you’d really like to do. If you end up having to cancel, well, as the saying goes—that’s a first class kind of problem to have.

    Can You Be Happy Even When Infertile?

    You might enjoy this really great Creating a Family show–Can You Be Happy Even While Infertile. I interviewed Dr. Ali Domar, psychologist and international leader in the field of mind/body medicine, founder of The Domar Center for Mind/Body Health, and author of numerous books including Conquering Infertility and Being Happy Without Being Perfect.


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    Do you feel like you’ve put your life on hold because of the uncertainty of infertility or adoption? If not, how have you avoided doing this.


    Image credit: Lorenia

    07/08/2013 | by Dawn Davenport | Categories: Adoption, Adoption Blog, Blog, Infertility, Infertility Blog | 13 Comments

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    13 Responses to Uncertainty of Adoption or Infertility Can Rob You of Living

    1. Melissa says:

      Omg! This is something that has been such an issue for us. Even something simple as going out for drinks with friends becomes such a struggle. When we moved onto donor sperm I found myself becoming frustrated with my husband as he could go on fishing trips and go out of town and hang out and drink all while I bounced from different appt., had to be home at certain times for meds, couldn’t plan to go out of town because I didn’t know what would be going on. I think this is another reason why taking breaks in between cycles is SO important. It’s hard but helps a lot! I do of course still struggle with the future like my sisters wedding will be next October and I’m in the party and I struggle with do I dare keep trying and risk being pregnant for her wedding. What if I get pregnant and can’t make it out of state to her wedding? Should one put off their family for a family members big event? Trying to conceive can be so inconvenient but those who conceive naturally don’t have to dwell on such things they just do it and deal with it all after the fact. :/

      • Melissa, thanks for your thoughts. I realize your question was rhetorical and you weren’t asking for answers, but I can’t help but say that if it were me, I would absolutely not put off trying to get pregnant until after your sister’s wedding in Oct. You’re already had trouble conceiving and if you wait, you will be a year older and a year less fertile. Your sister would not want that! If you are lucky enough to get pregnant, it will be just one more thing to celebrate.

    2. Maura says:

      This topic really hit home. We have been trying for children for over four years. At first I put everything on hold because I was sure I would be pregnant at any minute. As time passed and increasingly aggressive fertility treatments were repeatedly unsuccessful I have begin to live more the way we would if we were planning to remain child free. We have moved on to adoption and this makes things a bit easier. I don’t have to worry that if I buy clothes or plan a ski trip I will get pregnant and have wasted money.

      I do think one major element of this issue is money. We cannot live the lives we would live as permenantly child free people because all of our disposable income is going into our “baby fund.” I can’t take trips, go shopping, but theater tickets, upgrade our home, etc because we don’t have the money. I feel like we have the financial disadvantages of parenthood without any of the joys.

    3. Greg says:

      It’s funny Dawn this was a topic in my therapy session the other night leading I came to the realization that I need to loosen my grip on IF. I wrote a blog piece on it which I linked below.



      Congrats on your projects and bonding with your child. :)

    4. yeah, easier said, than done-right!

    5. Great advice, Dawn! :) I shared your blog on my site.

    6. Jessica says:

      This has been my goal this past year.

    7. Jocelyne says:

      I am a major planner, but had to become a loose planner when we became foster-adopt parents waiting to be matched. Not knowing when we might be matched, I just had to let the rest of life flow along and figure out how to fit a child in when the time came. I gave my boss and coworkers a heads up that I would have little notice of taking family leave. Low and behold, this last year as we were working to bond with our child, I was also managing three major projects and two large reports at work. As I have learned to say, “Life happens.”

    8. Greg says:

      Definitely easier said than done Dawn. I’m really struggling with this now. I don’t want to start down a path of picking up new hobbies that might convince me I could live childless forever with my wife only to have regrets later in life that we didn’t.

      • Greg, trying to decide how hard to push to make something happen is definitely one of the hardest parts for many many people, especially when both partners aren’t on the same page. On the other hand, what’s the harm of tying to live your life to the fullest right now. So you learn some new things and develop some new hobbies. It might make take some of the pressure off the immediate future and give you room for deciding.

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