Crafting a Goodbye in Open Adoption
The Creating a Family show yesterday was on creating a hospital plan in open adoption. One of our guests, Rebecca Vahle, the adoption coordinator at a Colorado hospital, said that the goal of any hospital plan in adoption is to respect the first parents and allow them to “craft their own good-bye”. That beautifully sad image has stuck in my mind.
The key is for all parties to remain flexible. No one can anticipate how they are going to feel after the birth of a child, and this is especially the case when a mom is considering placing her child for adoption. It’s hard to imagine a more emotionally fraught time.
As Dr. Jennifer Bliss, the National Associate Counseling Director at the Independent Adoption Center, said on yesterday’s show, this is a time of high and often conflicting emotions. One father told her that the hospital room felt like both a wedding and a funeral. Adoptive parents should follow the lead of the expectant parents/new parents.
10 Steps to a Successful Hospital Experience in Open Adoption
Work with your adoption professional/social worker and your child’s birth parents to create a hospital plan.
- Prepare yourself ahead of time for changes. A hospital plan is a blueprint, not a contract and will likely change. No one knows how she will feel or want in this emotionally charged time, so be prepared to remain flexible.
- If you know what hospital the baby will be born in, about a month before the birth contact the hospital social worker to talk about the hospital plan that has been discussed between the expectant parents and adoptive parents. Take this opportunity to explain open adoption.
- Ask what adoption related services are provided by the hospital and if the staff has had any specific training on adoption sensitivity? (The answer is likely “no”.)
- Send the following to the hospital social worker and ask for it to be included in the mother’s file.
- The hospital plan that has been worked out between the expectant parents and the adoptive parents.
- The HIPAA release form if the adoption agency has asked the expectant mother to sign one.
- A cover sheet with contact information for the social worker and the adoptive parents.
- Some adoption agencies recommend including the Dear Expectant Parent letter that the adoptive parents have prepared as a way to introduce the adoptive parents to the hospital staff that will be working with the new mom.
- Adoptive parents should keep a copy of the above package and bring it with them to the hospital.
- Ask the hospital social worker what adoptive parents should bring to the hospital for the baby? Diapers? Clothes?
- If you hit a snag with the hospital staff or with changes to the hospital plan, leave decisions in the hands of the expectant parents or new parents.
- If the expectant parent or new parent tells you that they are being pressured by the hospital staff to either go through with the adoption plan or to not place for adoption, tell your adoption professional/social worker. He or she may need to speak with the Charge Nurse or Supervisor.
- This is an intensely emotional time for both sets of parents and misunderstandings are common. Work very hard to communicate, ask questions, and avoid making assumptions. When in doubt, ask.
- After discharge, give the hospital feedback on your experience and on how the staff handled this emotionally charged time.
What was your hospital experience like?
Image credit: sean dreilinger