The unfortunately truth is that sometimes our adopted kids have sad, complicated, and often disturbing parts of their history or birth parent’s history. Should adoptive parents tell their kids the “hard” part of their story? Should you tell your precious child that he was conceived through rape, that her birth father beat her birth mother, that his birth mother abuse drugs and alcohol while pregnant with him, or that her birth mother is in jail?
Why Pollute Their Minds
Adoptive parents often wonder why they would possibly tell their child information such as this. What possible good can come of it? Why rob this beautiful child of her innocence, why pollute his mind with such information?
The simple answer is yes, you should tell your child. As adoption therapist Angela Magnuson said:
Adopted people have the right to all of their story. We as parents don’t get to pick and choose what they need to know; it is information that belongs to them.
You Lied to Me!!
In addition to being information that the child has a right to know, the reality, especially in this day and age, is that they will likely find out anyway. It is simply wishful thinking that you will be able to protect or prevent your child from researching their history as soon as they get alone on a computer, which will happen as soon as they get a phone or even sooner.
Not only will kids find out via the Wonderful Worldwide Web, family secrets have a way of leaking out. If you’ve told one other person, the odds are that they’ve told one person, who has told one person…. you get the picture. No matter how much you’ve sworn someone to secrecy, people talk. Secrets spread as fast as the common cold through a kindergarten class, especially secrets involving sex, drugs, and other less than savory details.
If your child is going to find out, don’t you want to be the one who tells her? Do you want her to feel like you lied to her by keeping this important information from her? It is your job as a parent to calmly and with compassion help your child understand these things that happened to him or to his birth parents.
From the Child’s Point of View
Beth O’Malley, author of many books about preparing lifebooks for adopted and foster children, including Lifebooks: Creating a Treasure for the Adopted Child, was also adopted as a child. Her perspective is that what adoptive parents perceive as shocking and sad, might very well be perceived by the child as a good explanation as to why their first parents are not parenting them. It is the missing piece. If children don’t have the truth, they will fill in the missing pieces of their story with their imagination, and often the truth is less shocking than their imagination.
When to Tell Your Child
You should lay the framework for the full story when you first start talking to your children about their adoption when they are toddlers and pre-schoolers, gradually adding more details with each telling. Your goal is for your child to know her full story, the good, the bad, and the ugly, by the time she is cognitively around 8 to 10 years old. I have heard other experts say that they should know their full story by the time they are 12.
I realize that telling this information at such a young age is a hard concept for most adoptive parents to come to accept. The thinking behind this advice is that you want the child to have this information from his parents before adolescence and before he will find out on his own or from someone else. By laying the groundwork young, the child will be slowly prepared by those he loves most.
We talked about the whys and hows of telling children the more difficult parts of their history on this Creating a Family show. Our guests gave specific language to use and suggestions for how to approach different situations, including rape, incest, drugs/alcohol, and imprisonment. It is really a great show.
Do you plan on sharing with your child her full adoption story?
I found my birth document in my mom’s dresser when I was about 8 years old. I understood and it made sense as I had 3 older brothers but never fit in or felt accepted. I never said anything to my parents and a few years later they told me. At 22 years old I found my birth mother and she agreed to meet with me. I looked like her and she let me meet her 2 daughters who were 2 and 4 years younger than me and her husband. I felt honoured and happy that she let me into her life. She never told me for anything about my birth father for 5 years and finally told me I was the product of a date rape. Although I was grateful for the truth at the time, I had no idea how much psychological damage it would cause. Now I’m 52 and the myriad of horrible emotions that chase my heart and mind just won’t leave me alone. I have never felt real love or acceptance from my family and wonder why she had me at all knowing the circumstances. Religious reasons were why she had me. My brothers resented me and were jealous that all my mom’s attention went to me when we were young. I have 2 beautiful teenage boys and try to give them all my unconditional love but sometimes it’s hard to keep up a facade of happiness when I am always alone and depressed especially after my husband’s passing when they were 5 & 6. Doing this all on my own gets very lonely.
Thank you for reaching out to share some of your story. I’m so sorry for the hardships you’ve faced and the impacts that your discoveries have created for you and your family. I hope you can find someone safe and wise with whom to share those feelings under the facade. Having a safe place to process those and cope with them can be so healing for you — and you deserve it. There are several adoption-competent therapists in this resource that would be helpful if you are looking. We also offer a resource page of Adoptee Voices that resonate with you. Thank you again for reaching out. We wish you well!
I was lied to about my adoption. I asked my ‘mother’ what it felt like to have a baby. I must have been around eight to ten maybe. She said I don’t know ask your grandmother. She then said I was ‘special’ because I had been chosen and that both my parents had died in a car crash. She chose a blue eyed blond haired baby girl. When she said special I immediately saw and still see a warehouse with tall metal racks partitioned off in baby sized compartments, each containing a baby. Girls on one side, boys on the other. You just chose the baby you wanted. As for my parents both dying in a car crash, even at that age I didn’t believe it. I thought it too convenient. I was told I wasn’t to tell anybody I was adopted. Of course I told all my friends as I was so thankful my ‘mother’ wasn’t my real mother as she was not a nice person. She wanted me to be a mini me and I was totally the opposite. I wanted to spend all day at the stables and ride horses and look after them. She wanted me in pretty dresses and so on. She ruled both my ‘father’ and myself and we were both scared stiff of her. He drank himself to oblivion every day and she shouted at him. At night when I was in bed they would row loudly and he would throw something across the room. Every single night this happened. I was so grateful to be sent to boarding school at the age of thirteen to get away from her. First thing I did when I grew up was get married at far too young an age. I eventually found my birth mother when both adoptive parents had died. I was 47. My birth mother was very nice and I have two half sisters one of whom stays in touch and we see each other once a year. I had so many questions to ask my birth mother but was scared of upsetting her so I stayed quiet. My half sister told her to tell me about what happened and I was told I was the product of a well conceived rape by someone she worked with who had been trying desperately to get her to date him. He got her drunk in her 18th birthday and raped her. Turns out he was married at the time but she didnt know. She lived in at the hotel they worked at. I since found out from someone who died to trace his history that he has several children and he is Danish. He will be long dead by now. The trail went cold suddenly and my source said that it was common back then for Danish people to emigrate to the States. I found a few men with the right names. One lovely man from America took the time to reply to my message saying sorry but he wasn’t related to me. One on FB was the right age, the right name and looked familiar to me. He never replied to me. My husband has been the rock on which I have stood. His love was unconditional and even though I must have driven him mad at times with my anxiety and lack of self esteem and confidence I knew he would always be there for me. Unfortunately he died thirteen years ago and I am in my own and back in depression. I have two wonderful sons but they have their own lives to live and I am grateful that I see them so often. Anyway that’s my life in a few words. I wish it could have been better and that I had the self esteem to get out and meet new friends. However all my life I have thought that why should anyone want to be friends with me. Children need to be brought up with self confidence and the knowledge they are everything they need to be successful in life and not to be put down. When you come home from school with a drawing or something you have done that you are so proud of and your mother dismisses it by finding fault every single time then you give up even bothering to try knowing you are no good.
Thanks for sharing your story, Clare. It sounds like you’ve got a lovely supportive relationship that anchors you when you are seeking answers and reckoning with your experiences. I love this line, “Children need to be brought up with self confidence and the knowledge they are everything they need to be successful in life…” It’s a beautiful way to say “You are enough.” and I’m thankful you could share that with us.
I recently lost my l biological son and his biological mother to an accident. He was 18 and left graduation ceremonies and died in a car accident. The biological sister, the father who raised him also passed away. The estate is sizable and no heirs are named as no will exist. A year before my son was conceived the biological mother was raped and a child who is now 19 was adopted by a close friend And his wife. The parental rights were terminated by the biological mother, and the child has no idea the truth of his birth or his real biological parents. My biological son never knew this sibling existed, nor the biological parents of the victim. The pregnancy was hidden, and the other than myself, the two individuals who raised the child, and the mother, the only other individuals who knew were medical professionals, or those necessary to facilitate the pregnancy and the adoption. Although the mother knew the adoptive parents closely, after the pregnancy was discovered, the only communication that took place was to facilitate the north and the adoption only. The birth mother conceived a child one year later, and although I am the biological parent to that child who passed away two weeks ago, I had no intention of fathering this child and the fiancé who was present at the time of conception, was the intended father who has raised my biological son. This mother and step father have been in England for 17 of the 18 years my son was alive. They have provided a wonderful life and I have always been very close to them all. My biological son has been fully aware of the truth and the way he was conceived never became any issue. The step father conceived a child 9 years ago with the mother, resulting in a daughter who died in the car driven by my biological son, her half brother. In the Vehicle was my sons best friend and his little sister. The passenger’s of the two vehicles behind my sons car, were the biological parents of the two children In my sons car, followed by my sons biological mother and step father, who were both the biological parents of my sons half sister who died in the car along with my son. Both my sons mother and step father died attempting to rescue the occupants of the car which was engulfed in flames. The biological father of the two children who were passengers in my sons car, died also attempting to rescue the four children which was driven by my biological son. The biological mother of the two non related passengers in my sons car was burned, but other individuals in the scene, removed her from the vehicle realizing no possible means could save the lives of the four children or the three parents who had been exposed to the flames inside the vehicle for over 4 minutes. The surviving parent had only attempted rescue, when the sounds made by the victims had silenced. At that moment the surviving parent ran into the flames, and the individuals pulled her out of the flames and held her down to keep her from attempting to rescue the deceased victims. The event is weighing so heavy on my soul, and I am overwhelmed because I am now the unwitting party who is responsible to make decisions about the sizable estate which includes a very profitable business, which has employees who work daily and require a paycheck. The father who died is the individual who was responsible for all business decisions including payroll and all financial decisions. The location of the business itself is in the United States here in Central Florida. It is over 100 homes that are rented to individuals who come to central Florida from Europe to vacation. There are contractors, maintenance, sub contracting individuals, housekeepers, lawn care, pool care, scheduling and reservation agents, drivers, dog walkers, Nannie’s, security, delivery and assistant professionals, massage therapist, tech professional, electrician, plumber, concierge practitioner, communication director, and many more. In England the estate houses over a dozen staff members who tend to sheep, clean the main home, drive, cook, run errands etc. to the best of my knowledge, there are 192 employees on the payroll being paid, hourly overall, and there are over a dozen contractors who are not on the payroll, but who are paid regularly for their services here in central Florida. With no documentation, and only on the history given to me by a payroll agency, I have found myself in a very strange position, having to immediately make decisions with no knowledge that affect the lives of countless individuals in two countries. I was given power of attorney several hours after the accident, because documentation had been given to a non-associated legal professional, which identified me as the biological parent of one of the deceased children in the accident, because the biological mother was the sole owner of this very profitable business, Power of attorney was handed to me like you would hand a piece of candy to a kid in a candy store. I am completely under qualified to manage such an undertaking. And I have remain friends with the family, including the biological child of the deceased, who was conceived through rape . The biological mother of my child was well aware of my relationship, and was pleased that I’ve stayed in contact with her child, that she mentally was unable to raise because he was conceived through rape. The two individuals who raised this child, who was conceived through rape, agreed to adopt a child, but have never told the child of this truth. Neither my biological son, nor this other child can see if the rape knew of one another in any fashion. Although my biological son knew I was his biological father and called me uncle daddy, no more knowledge beyond that was given to him and he died, unaware that he had a brother in America. The child here in Central Florida is named William he’s 19 and seem to be in his sophomore year in college. He is clearly the true heir and me and the parents who raised him are trying to protect him, but at the same time, we realize that the truth must come out in this has to be a very delicate situation. Because of the nature, in which all of these individuals died in England, and the importance that this business continues because peoples livelihood are dependent, the day-to-day operations must continue, and this transition that will take place is a meant to say the least. Clearly probate will be the next step but at the moment I’m still trying to make decisions on how to navigate funeral services and make sure that individuals who are working continue to work and continue to receive a paycheck. That includes those both in England, and central Florida. although the business is sizable enough to bring in some form of management, for some reason, the day-to-day operations in both countries were all the responsibility of individuals who deceased in the fire. There is no form of documentation that they’re surviving parent believes exist. The deceased individual who was responsible for all of the operations left no instructions, nor will, and no will not instructions has been found left by the business owner and biological mother of my biological son, leaving me completely in the dark, unprepared, and without any knowledge of my next step. I find it extremely unusual, and impossible to believe that this simply fell in my lap so easily and there’s no one that has any answers other than lawyers in two countries, who require large sums of money to learn the same information that I can learn without contracting their help. Clearly, I’m not an attorney, and this is a matter from more than one and into different countries, but I find myself having to make decisions that later will make it easier for the individual who I personally believe is the rightful heir, no matter how he was conceived. Parental rights were terminated, and this child who was conceived the rape legally does not have any right to put his foot in the ring during probate. I am fully aware that because the document existed which gave me power of attorney, the same document is the document which will make me the the soul individual who now owns a very valuable state, multiple businesses, hundreds of properties, and basically a fortune that is starting to appear to be worth over 50,000,000 pounds. I am completely perplexed as to how it is possible that a business with such assets, has been neglected in such a way that there is no documentation that exists anywhere, which protects the interest of the employees and the state in the event of such an unfortunate event. I feel as if in someway, this cannot be possible, and this entire estate, was not just thrown in my lap, and the story is supposed to in there. I have absolutely no desire, nor any interest at all to profit in anyway, nor do I wish to be included in any operations of this business, not even the profits. I have hired an attorney, who I have used many times for small things personally to assist me, and, although I am not of any financial means to pay this individual, we both fully understand that the estate will pay him for his services at some point. What I’m trying to learn is how is this possible and what can I do to protect the interest , and ensure that the attorney I have chosen is behaving in the most professional and ethical manner. Because I do not have the financial means to simply pay any attorney I had to call one that I have used for minor things like an accident in an injury, assisting with the approval of my Social Security benefits, and assisting in a lawsuit against medical professionals, who neglected obvious problems with my health, creating a terminal illness, which has left me with very little time left to make these decisions. At the moment I am on home, hospice care, and I’ve been given less than six months to live. For nearly 7 years, I have been given nearly 6 months or less to live. But just recently, I made the decision to allow Hospice to help manage my final days which it now seems are my final days. I am not of sound mind, body, but I’m not saying that my mind is not in control of the decisions I make given the information and knowledge I have. With that said, however, I am in no way qualified to make these decisions, and I still do not understand why , these decisions have been left up to me in the first place. My attorney has explained the legal lesson rights which put me in this chair, but he has yet to answer the question, which is what do I do next and how do I protect this individual who I believe is the rightful heir to what is truly a fortune! Williams and 19-year-old male who will be starting his sophomore year in college very soon, although legally, is not entitled in, anyway, I have made a decision, because I have been given the authority to do so, that he will be the sole individual who will inherit these properties, and these businesses and this best fortune. Because this is associated with two countries, and because I am in America, with little resources and failing health, and the estate includes a property in the essex area of England. With an appraise value of over 5,000,000 pounds, and a business which sells high-quality wool, which profits around 2,000,000 pounds per year. I have looked at many of the financial ledger‘s which were delivered to me last week by carrier and other than these ledgers, which merely show what money is coming in and what money is going out, there is nothing else that has been found, which can assist me at this exact moment. The lone survivor has lost her nine year, old daughter, and her husband, as well as her 19 year old son in the fire. I must be sensitive and compassionate and understand that she had absolutely no knowledge of how the business was being operated, and no knowledge of how her husband operated the business. The few ledgers that she has provided me. And the contacts at the payroll company is the only thing that she has found, and I must be very sensitive and except these things as the only things that I will have until she decides to look further, that is, if anything does exist, and she is not in the mental state to search deeper. The computer in her home office with her husband used, has remote access, and she provided me with the password, allowing me to view the files, which contain absolutely no information about the business at all. It is my belief that there may be some possible questionable financial transactions, which may suggest that money was being stolen for years by an individual who is now deceased. At this moment, there is no real proof that these large sums of money which were taken regularly, were any knowledge of the business owner, who also is deceased. The surviving victim. Claims, you have no knowledge of any day-to-day operations or financial decisions, but does admit that the financial rewards working for this company were immense, and this individual was, without any doubt, the best friend of the owner of the business, who died in the fire. My biological son‘s mother, was a very generous individual who had no desire to operate any business of any kind, leaving her all the time she wanted to raise her children and spent her spare time in her dance studio, teaching ballet. I communicated with her regularly and it was no secret. She had no desire to participate in the business in anyway her desire was due live without financial restrictions And share her wealth with those that she loved including those who lived on the grounds intended to the sheep and to her and her family and her personal residence. Her best friend/surviving victim was her assistant and was paid 450 thousand pounds for year to basically do nothing. That is completely fine and that was her choice And I respect that 100%. However, I must be reasonable and expect a lawsuit because she did lose both her children and her husband in the fire and my son was driving the vehicle a vehicle that was owned by an individual who has an estate that’s now valued at over 50,000,000 pounds. That’s not to say that she will file a lawsuit but most likely that is what I need to expect. I want to clean all of this up and make it Easy , when I put in the lap of a 19-year-old sophomore. By the way, just learned he is the outcome of a rape, and he will also learn at the same time that the two individuals he believed to be his biological parents or anything but. What complicates this is the individual who was the biological parent of this child produced to rape, is someone who, until a few days ago was unknown. although I have kept up with this family, I haven’t spent a lot of time with this child as he was growing so I haven’t seen the resemblance between him and an individual who am I related to. Although at this moment, I have no proof, the circumstances on the evening she was raped, the behavior of one of my uncles, the way , this child looks and his mannerisms and his striking resemblance to my cousins. I am convinced 100% that my uncle raped my friend and this child was produced because of that rape. This is most likely why my friend when describing the rape wasn’t in any way, giving information that anyone who was raped would be given. She refused to bring in any police or investigation and instead wanted to forget it ever happened until she learned she was pregnant. At that point she said she wanted to have the child adopted but wanted the adopted parents to be someone that we both knew interested. One of her ex-boyfriend’s whom she was very close to you was our number one choice and his girlfriend at that time soon became his wife and they both parents and this child and never spoke of this truth. I am so lost as to what to do next.
I’m so sorry for your losses. What a terrible tragedy for you and your loved ones.
It sounds as if you have many different moving parts to all of this and we cannot offer legal advice for any of it. We highly recommend that you seek professional counsel to support yourself (therapy, a clergy person, or some other trusted confidante) and to help you prioritize what you must tackle and how to do it.
In the meantime, be kind and gentle with yourself as you grieve and process all of it.
Thanks for sharing this article -I just found out my ugly story and was being lied to all my life .My mum got raped by 3 strangers in a park in 1976 and through DNA testing I found out, that the story she was telling me wasn’t true . I’m so sad,angry and disappointed that she didn’t tell me the truth and that her well meant lie impacted so many people 🙁 I’m still in shock and I’m not sure if I ever will heal again …I wish there was a support group for children conceived by rape,because I feel so lonely and would love to speak to someone who knows and has lived experience.
Hello Lynn,
Thanks for sharing your challenging story. We are so sorry for the pain and anger you are feeling right now. We aren’t aware of specific groups that support adults with your same story. But we highly recommend that you consider seeking a trauma-informed therapist or counselor who can help you unpack all the layers to your story and help you process it. Finding someone to walk with you through it all will help you find the healing and hope you deserve!
We wish you the best.
Am somewhat afraid because number one he is acting out really bad in school and church and at home. Their white we are black he’s 7 1/2years old filled with questions I need help
Hello Rosie,
Thanks for reaching out. Have you considered adoption informed therapy for him and for you? It might be a tool to help you unpack the questions he has and how to answer them. We offer this resource to help you find the support that fits your needs. Additionally, we have an online support group with adoptees, birth families, and adoptive/foster parents who have been where you are to help you navigate the conversations. Finally, children’s books are an excellent way to start conversations and work through questions – especially if you read them together!
Best wishes to you! We hope you join us on the group.
My friend just knew that she was born before her parents got married and now, she felt weird and keep saying that she is disgusting and so on…. I don’t know what to do
It sounds as if your friend could use some encouragement to talk with a counselor or therapist about some of these issues that she’s feeling. She should find someone with whom she feels safe to help her process and work through the conversations.
I Have a question I’m putting this in fearful of being attacked as I have been on some of the adoption chats…but here goes I have 5 kids all though adoption 14-2yrs of age the first 3 I have told that mommy’s tummy was broken so God put you in someone else’s just for me…we had this conversation maybe 4 yrs ago they haven’t brought it up once since and I struggled over telling them them.. They look just like me and are relation so I honestly never thought I’d say anything but I did. What I’m struggling with now is why do so many people insist on beating a dead horse they are my kids i raised, rocked and cared for them since there first breath i dont refer to them as my adopted kids just mine why keep bringing it up when they don’t wouldn’t it just make them fell like they’re different….They dont ask about it so I leave it alone even after adopting there 2 sisters
If I’m understanding you correctly, you are wondering what the big deal is about telling your children that they were put in someone else’s womb so that you could adopt them and parent them. Is that a good summary?
If so, then I can only assume that folks might be objecting to that “story” because it’s an incomplete truth about who they are and from where they came. One thing that might be part of that objection is the belief that adopted children don’t just “start life” the day we adopt them. They have a history that is all theirs, uniquely theirs, that existed before we became their parents. To help THEM (the adopted children) process and form a healthy self-identity, we – speaking as a fellow adoptive momma – must find ways to talk wtih them about their stories. Even the hard parts of those stories. This link will take you an excellent radio show that can help you think more about what to say and how to say it to your kiddoes: http://ow.ly/qyxt30lQUK8
Good luck.
It’s fine to never use the word adopted kids or adoptive mom. But to deny a child of his history is sad and could be dangerous. I have a cousin who was adopted at age 3. She didn’t know until she was 25. This was extremely painful for her. She felt stupid since everyone else knew but her. She felt everyone lied about everything and had to go back and think of everything she had been told to reprocess and evaluate what was true and what wasn’t. This caused a lot more turmoil than it would have if she had grown up knowing. In a world of 23&me or ancestry.com it’s only a matter of time before someone finds them. And then you’re the bad guy for lying to them about everything. Be the good guy and use this as an opportunity to build their trust and confidence. My girls look like me but they know at ages 3&5 that they were in someone else’s belly but for a reason that I am unraveling slowly and at their pace their moms couldn’t keep them. They openly tall about her in a very healthy way.
This is quite a few years old but we are trying to decide at what age we tell our daughter that she has a half sibling. Her half siblings father (birth mothers ex-husband) likely has no idea as they were separated, but not divorced when our daughter was conceived through a different relationship. It’s complicated and she can’t even get her records (she was born in Korea) until 18. She wants a sibling so badly, that we are concerned that at the age of 10 she will have issues knowing she has a half-sister she can’t even try to seek out for another 8 years and that likely has no clue she exists. Any help is greatly appreciated!!!
Momma2AKPrincess, I highly recommend the linked radio show as a resource to help you in addition to this blog post: https://creatingafamily.mystagingwebsite.com/adoption-category/talking-with-your-kids-about-the-hard-issues-with-adoption/
I also think that the book about siblings in foster care on this list might be very helpful to you in what to tell, how to tell it, and how to support your daughter as she processes and asks more questions: https://creatingafamily.mystagingwebsite.com/adoption/adoptionsuggestedbooks/toddlerolder-child-adoption/
Best wishes for you all.
This feed is a few years old, but I’m seeking some advice. i adopted my second cousin when she was a baby and born addicted to methadone. Her birth mother has been in and out of jail, currently in. My daughter is almost 8. She knows she ia adopted, but doesn’t know the family history, although she has met my aunt who I told her was her grandmother. I thought I had years before I needed to tell her her whole story, but due to some passive aggressive behavior toward me in particular, I’m realizing that maybe the time has come. I’m just not so sure how much I should tell now and what I should wait to tell. Any advice is welcome!
Laurie, Creating a Family has done several radio shows with experts on this issue. One you may want to listen to is “Talking With Your Kids About the Hard Issues In Adoption”. http://bit.ly/1VNWTIZ
My husband is adopted and has no idea. Everyone in the family including close friends of the family (me being one) knows. It kills me inside that I know. I struggle with it, I feel it my responsibility that he finds out the truth. His family has worked very hard to keep the truth hidden. I need advice, please. I’m between a rock and a hard place.
Oh my! What an incredibly tough position to be in. I am not a therapist, but I would not keep this information from my husband. I would treat him as I would want to be treated, and I would want my spouse to tell me. Keep in mind that it is not the fact that he is adopted that is the big deal here, it is the fact that his family (and you) perpetuated a lie all these years. For many “late discovery” adoptees, it is an overwhelming feeling of betrayal. It makes them question what other lies they have been told. Have you or your husband seen a therapist in the past that can help you and your husband? Or do you have a minister or someone that you are close to who can help him process this information. There are also groups online of late discovery adoptees. You could find these groups and give him the contact information if he wants to process this around others who truly get it. I’m truly sorry that you are in such a difficult position! His family may have meant well, but they made a huge mistake.
Yes. We adopted my beautiful and wonderful baby sister the day she was born. Her mom was addicted to meth and her father didn’t want a baby. She grew up in a loving home and since the day she was born we told her she was adopted. Mom and dad were stuck with us but they got to choose her! She knew she was loved. When she turned 18, we found out she could have been a product of rape… And didn’t know who her father was. If we could have somehow weened her onto the idea that we didn’t know who her dad was and it could be a tragic story, it would have made the adoption and meeting less traumatic. It was so stressful she began having stress induced seizures. Please give your child the whole story from day one, and prepare them for the idea that meeting them could be traumatic. Do not put the birth parents on a pedistool, and remember it’s all about how you word things. Make sure they understand they’re loved!
I wish all the kids in the world had a Big Sister just like you. Heck, I wish I had had a big sister like you.
I think those who have said to keep things age appropriate are correct. A child should know but they are only going to understand so much at a young age. It’s like anything when raising a child and keeping things age appropriate. Though it’s more emotionally charged the approach parishes take should be exactly the same.
Also, as others have said they should just say what they know and not lie about things they don’t know. Admitting they don’t know everything is more valuable than lying and telling a child what you think they want to hear.
When I finally managed to contact my bio mother she informed me she had been raped. Actually that is not strictly true she told my husband and he passed on her words. I was not to call her under any circumstances and was to leave her into live out the rest of her days in peace. My journey was a long one and a convoluted one but I would not change it now, even if I was rejected. Why? Because it has made me a stronger and more compassionate person. What an adoptee needs most is truth, no matter how ugly it might be. It completes us and learning to accept who we are and love who we are begins with truth.
But how do you know your biological mother was telling the truth?
First of all Dawn I agree with your post.
And Anon AP
Here is a good rule of thumb, information is yours to keep private so long as it relates to nobody but yourself. The world of adoption tends to forget and works at odds with the rules of life the rest of the world play by where relatives simply know one another and their back story and nothing about it is private because having a sibling, makes me a sibling that impacts who I am in relation to other people so their existence is very much my business. That’s why people can obtain copies of their siblings birth records or their parents birth records, grand parents, aunts uncles etc. Marriage and Death certificates too. What our family does impacts us because it changes who we are in relation to other people and that’s critical information that belongs to the whole family and is not the purview of any single member to keep private or secret. Adoption forgets that. Sometimes outside adoption people forget that as well and they lie on birth records or they withhold names on birth records. That’s wrong its not the way its supposed to work and it messes things up for everyone when people don’t at least have access to the right information. Whether people tell them or not is another story but you can see where making a habit of falsifying records so people can hide the truth is kind of like a cancer it spreads to the brain and people start thinking that they should verbally withhold information or that its a sibling’s story to tell. Well with the records all messed up if someone does not tell the kid then the kid won’t know.
Under normal circumstances had this child not been separated from her family would she be aware of her siblings birth and the circumstances surrounding it? Unless a parent was doing the wrong thing and hiding the kid and their relationship to the kid siblings are going to know about each other even if they don’t live together. Its only when a parent does something bad like abandon and try to hide their relationship with one of their kids do siblings get left in the dark and of course that is wrong and tragic.
Just let the rest of the worlds reality be a guide to fairness and think about what the kid would be privy to under normal circumstances. People think the have all this extra right to privacy in adoption and they really don’t. Nobody else gets to stop their relatives from knowing they exist or the circumstances of it – it’s not information that we can even control. If it’s important to know and you know it and you don’t tell then you are hiding something and then blaming her sibling for not telling her. How fair will that be? Oh be mad at your sibling for not telling you we would have told you if it were our information to tell. Well it’s clearly yours to know about, someone told you so now it’s in your lap.
Be delicate and age appropriate. I know quite a few adopted people whose mothers were victims of rape and some people who simply grew up without their fathers around. My old downstairs neighbor I found her father’s family for her. He raped her mother on the street went to prison and then was killed in prison. Can you believe they left his name off her birth record because he raped her mother? Thanks a lot I guess children of rapists don’t deserve child support or social security death benefits or inheritance of property when they die. Sheesh it’s her father and she should have had the right to have him named and be his legal kin. That is the stupidest law. Oh so the mother won’t be reminded and he won’t assert his rights….I’m so sure get a restraining order send him to jail don’t take away the kid’s rights. It’s not like they are not still really related to his relatives. Her aunts his sisters had been trying to find her and luckily they have a conscience and they gave her some inheritance saved for her. They are family and she’s happy to be part of his family. He was a creep it did not make them creeps. I also found her foster sister’s birth family and her mother’s sister for her. Nice girl. Tragic story that was a real story of not date rape but like violent street rape and her mother kept her. Happened in NYC
Yes it’s hard but adoptees need to know. Often one of the problems is knowing what is ‘true’ as fabrication is alive and well in adoption. Anon AP sometimes the information may best come from a sibling as long as you are there to back them up and support them before, during and after the telling.
At age 14, I gave birth to a biracial child. I was raped shortly before my 14th birthday. I chose an open adoption, although after 18 months, I chose to not receive any more updates. This child was born with Down syndrome, so he would likely have understood the concept of rape. I left all of the options of sharing the beginning of that life to the parents. Sadly, that child passed away at age 24 years. I WILL say this: I would NOT have wanted “My Story” to be shared with anyone. MY pain was not a part of the child’s story.
Anon, from your perspective, would it be possible to share a rape conception with a child without sharing your story?
“Beth O’Malley, author of many books about preparing lifebooks for adopted and foster children, including Lifebooks: Creating a Treasure for the Adopted Child, was also adopted as a child. Her perspective is that what adoptive parents perceive as shocking and sad, might very well be perceived by the child as a good explanation as to why their first parents are not parenting them. It is the missing piece. Most kids will fill in the missing pieces of their story with their imagination. It might as well be filled in with the truth. Oftentimes the truth is less shocking than their imagination.”
Beth more or less says what I was going to say. I remember on a forum once, one mum said that she was going to tell her child factA but not tell her about fact B, yet to me fact B helped make sense of fact A.
I think aparents should keep within the facts, i.e. say only what they actally know, and also not put their own spin on it. If one wants to talk about possible motives behind actions, then I think it should be an interactive conversation, eg if talking about Chinese adoptions, then one could sit down and have a discussion of how things are in China yet not invalidate any sad feelings that the child might have. I think also if one only knows something third hand then one should state that, eg “We were told by the agency” etc.
We older adoptees often have “tamer” stories but in our day, aparents from that generation probably still thought it was a hard thing to tell their child. I grew up attending church and when I was in my very early teens, I did sort of think of sex before marriage as being a mortal sin and was worried about my bmother’s soul – even though I grew out of that, remembering that I had that perspective did help me to realise that others might have had that perspective and thus how hard it would have been for my bmother to tell people about the adoption. We sometimes forget in 2014 how different things were in 1964 and even 1974 when I had those thoughts.
Btw I haven’t had a chance to listen to the broadcast – it is a bit late right now.
I can’t wait to listen!
One thing that we are trying to get a better handle on is how to deal with some aspects of our daughter’s birthfamily’s story that are directly related to her birthsibling’s birth rather than hers, but those details certainly impact our daughter’s adoption story. In other words, telling the hard story provides context for our daughter, but would also be revealing information about her sibling’s story that isn’t ours to share. I don’t feel it’s fair to drop the weight of responsibility of deciding to share or not on her sibling, but I also don’t feel like it’s wise to leave it out. Very, very difficult stuff to navigate.
AnonAP, yes we’re often wading in very muddy waters here, trying to figure out what is best without a lot of guidance. That is one reason I so appreciated this show.