The Creating a Family Facebook Support Group is now well over 5000 members. We are a mixed group of mostly pre and post adoptive parents and infertility patients, with a healthy mix of adult adoptees and birth mothers thrown in. We share the good, the bad, and the ugly about adoption and infertility everyday.
This mixture of experiences in our support group adds richness and depth to our discussion, which I value highly because it is through these honest interactions that the practice of adoption improves, but sometime this depth can feel overwhelming to those just starting out in adoption. They long for happy and successful adoption stories. While I think we share plenty warm, sweet, touching stories, on occasion we hear the plea: “I know adoption is not all hearts and unicorns, but can’t we finally hear a positive adoption story?!?”
I get that. There is no one that loves a happy story more than me. So without further adieux I bring you this story from one of our members that “just wanted to share how things turned out to add some perspective for others.”
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My husband and I have lived with infertility since 2000, and in every attempt and every step, we were given hope, only to have it crushed soon after. I started to refer to ourselves as the “Plan Bs” because our first plans never worked. What followed was 12 years of heartbreak, frustration, tears, rage, and confusion (not an original story for this group).
We managed to get involved with an adoption agency that charged a lot of money, but ultimately did very little (they outsourced to another agency, who matched us). We were given a free IVF cycle, only to learn that our chances for success were hopelessly low. Our home study took so long (8 months!), we were locked out of an international adoption program. However, the end result was what we always dreamed.
About 6 months after our profile books were printed, we were selected by a mother, and our daughter was born one month and one day after that match. Today, our daughter turns two years old. She is a sweet and affectionate girl. She recently started at a new school, and her teachers cannot believe how advanced her social and language skills are. She has a strong personality and a great sense of humor.
I would only change one thing: to be able to some day have something other than Frozen on my Blu Ray player.
So, despite all the heartbreak and missteps, it was the end result that really mattered. In hindsight, I think that every frustration only prepared me more to be a mother. And trust me, there were many times in which I thought that would never happen. Now we have a beautiful, happy, and smart girl.
Despite all the nightmare stories we hear about adoption, our daughter was not drug-exposed and has no major health problems. There is no drama with her biological mother or father (though we wish the adoption were a little more open). She has no significant behavioral problems, and she follows directions well (most of the time). We have had no problems with attachment.
I think we hear more of the horrific stories because that’s when people publicly plea for help (and of course, need it the most). So we come to think that these nightmare stories about adoption are the norm. But our family is living proof that you can go through Hell; yet walk out with the most precious angel.
Please share your own positive story.
Thank you for this story. I love the phrase “the Plan B’s” I feel like that perfectly describes my husband and I in our family building quest. We are not at the waiting phase of adoption and although we have not been waiting long, I cannot help but feel like it may never happen. This story helps to renew may faith.
Maura, that is exactly what we hoped this story would do.
I used to work in a field of science where we were thinking about objects in different rotational frames. For example, think of a kid spinning in circles on a carousel. Depending on whether you are on the ground, on the carousel, or the kid himself, your perspective of what is static and what is moving and the way you would describe what is happening at any point changes. That which is positive or negative about any adoption story feels the same way. Whether you’re the AP, the adoptee, the birthparent, or the social worker, your perspective is different. Add in the time element (positive process or positive effect on overall life circumstances) and it gets even more tricky to declare any given adoption story “positive” or “negative”.
We had a positive adoption process from our perspective. The agency lived up to its word with regards to respect and ethics, communication, and timeframes. We had one match where the parents decided to parent (crappy day/week/etc. for us, great day for her birthparents, sibs, and her), and then we were matched with our daughter, who is a joy and a wonder. The contact we have had with her birthfamily has been open and warm. We’re all lucky to be in an area where there are ample resources available to our family for lifetime adoption support, both through our agency and other organizations, like CASE. That’s our perspective. I’m sure our daughter will have her own views as she gets older, and I believe her birthmother would probably say that it is positive that her daughter has a safe home and a terrible sadness that that home is not with her.
Anyway, I know this idea of multiple perspectives isn’t new to the folks on this board, but it’s just hard to declare it positive, even when everything goes as anticipated.
Beautifully said AnonAP.