Success in open adoption is no different from success in any other relationship—it requires commitment, communication, and flexibility.
Commitment
The most crucial component to a successful open adoption is the commitment of all parties to the relationship. When we are biologically related to someone, the commitment is reinforced by societal expectations.
Cutting off all contact with your mother or grandmother is not unheard of, but frowned upon with the expectation that a major line has been crossed and that all efforts have been made to salvage the relationship. If you have had to cut a relative out of your life you’ve almost certainly spent time justifying this decision in your mind and likely have a short summary to share with others when the topic comes up. In other words, it’s not something that you have done lightly.
The same should be said about relationships with birth mothers and birth family. There may be a reason why you have to cut off contact, but it should be a big reason. I’ve heard the following reasons given by adoptive families for wanting to close an adoption:
- Birth parents calling the child by the name they gave him at birth, rather than the name the adoptive parents gave him.
- Asking for $160 “loan”.
- Failing to show up for a scheduled visit.
- Referring to the child as “my child” on Facebook.
You’ll have to decide for yourself if the above acts are bad enough to warrant cutting of all contact, but if you wouldn’t cut a biological relative out of you and your child’s life for doing it, then you shouldn’t cut a birth parents out of your life for doing it.
Communication
Communication is the breaking point for many a relationship. Communication is hard–not so much the words that are spoken, but the words that remain unsaid.
Both sides need to be able to express their needs without being pushy. As I used to tell one of my kids that struggled when younger with the tricky art of communication: There is a line between being assertive and being aggressive, and it’s not all that fine of a line, you just need to be looking for it.
Flexibility
Relationships, like the people that are in them, are not static. They must bend and flex over time. What is reasonable for a family with one child and a single birth mother, is not necessarily reasonable for a family with two school aged kids heavily involved in sports, and a birth mother that now has a husband and two kids that she is parenting. What is reasonable for a toddler with no voice in the relationship might not be reasonable for a teen with a strong opinion of what she wants. What is reasonable if you live 1000 miles apart is not the same as if you lived 10 miles apart. You may have always spent the day after Thanksgiving shopping with your sisters, but if this is the only day that your child’s birth family will be in town, then you need to willing to give a little.
Open adoption relationships take effort, but the rewards for all parties are usually worth the commitment, awkward communications, and flexibility.
How would you describe your relationship with your child’s birth parents? Easy? Difficult? In between?
P.S. If you are in an open adoption or considering one, you really must read My #1 Secret Tip for a Successful Open Adoption.
Image credit: Helen Penjam (eggs); bluewaikiki.com (milk); david pacey (flour)
My daughters have no path back to their bio families. (International adoption)
It is such a precious opportunity to be able to preserve that birth parent relationship, it nreals my heart to hear that some treat it so carelessly.
OMG there are definately paths back to their families even abroad. Have them join 23 and me or FTDNA and make sure their info is plastered all over the adoption boards. Someone will likely look for them at some point. Joining these dna websites is really common now even for teens and preteens wondering if they are adopted or off the record adopted through some kind of egg or sperm or embryo donation set up. I mean if you don’t aid them in getting their info out there they’ll likely do it themselves anyway by high school. They’d just have a little better chance with some financial support and assistance with testing and whatnot. Good luck. I’ve even hooked up a korean adopted person who was left in a basket at a government building. You never know.
The four things I saw listed are extremely minor; those parents appear to be looking to cut the birth family out of the child’s life.
You have an opportunity to set a real example here. The measure you use to cut birth family out of a child’s life is the same measure the adult/child will use later in life upon their adoptive families. When setting the bar make sure it’s one you want used to measure you.
What goes around, comes around.
I need to think about that one, but you raise such an interesting point about the standard you are setting for how your child will view you and your relationship later in life.
OOOH that is super profound. Wow. I thought it was safe to say that being convicted and incarcerated for a crime of abuse would be the thing and then they kind of cut themselves off. Otherwise it’s not really their relationship to cut even though they are legally in that position of authority. I mean being a bad example to the kid is really not a good enough reason for them not to see the kid – being a physical danger would be but then again that should take a conviction for abuse I’d think rather than conjecture and speculation.